Here’s the thing.
All I ask is that you listen, and with an open heart.
You see, the boarding school threats turned into reality. My whole thanksgiving break consisted of lists of school, and applications, parent’s connections, and airplane flights, giving my phone and old number away. I was .this.close. to being sent away. Sent away not back home, but across the mother fucking country. Well of course, daddy went to boarding school in the east coast so me going there would have been the answer to everything, right? I couldn’t. Just, No. I never considered here to be where I wanted to be, until it was about to be taken away. I can’t explain how much it has taken for me to be here right now.
somehow Tanner was there. I held on to him and all he had to offer. I still am holding on to him and all he has to offer. He read to me, “You can’t snort your way to it. You can’t drink your way to it. You can’t fuck your way to it. You can’t cheat your way to it. You can’t love your way to it.” i had thrown him out of my life because he was leaving, but then I realized he knew what he was talking about because he had been in a similar position, and now his time is up. February, and he’s gone.
i just have to play this out.
You know that I want you in my life. I need you in my life. At the end of next month, if you’ll still care, I’ll be here for good. Well the deal is if I want to stay for now, I have to leave eventually which will be in less than two years, and board for four. and even this summer is going to be across the country. The thought of us not being “Us”, kills me. I don’t know whether if I should start breaking away so it won’t hurt as much, or after this next coming month of hell – get even closer then we already are. I have to get shit in my system, fuck my self up so much that I won’t do it anymore. i need to play it out, and let tanner be my net for a while.
I understand that if in a month, you decide it’s not worth it. I hope to god that you don’t. but that part isn’t up to me. so if in a month, if you’ll be around. I will too.
